Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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