I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
