Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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