Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize