new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize