My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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