Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
