I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
