planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
