girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Randomize
