I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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