Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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