Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
