Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
