If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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