things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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