No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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