Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
