I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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