She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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