Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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