My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
