life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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