Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
