I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
