you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
