Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
