can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
