Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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