At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
