I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
