We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
