he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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