at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
