I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
