just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
