suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
