I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
