i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
