My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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