Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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