Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
