I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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