I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's never too late to be topless.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize