Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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