I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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