instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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