Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
