the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Liz is crying about burritos again.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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