how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize