Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Of course I have a pirate flag
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
