If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
