I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
