Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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