I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize