are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
