woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
