I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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