Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
