I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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